To Love One So Hurt
by T2 Angel
Summary: Hiei is beginning to feel strongly for Mukuro but doesn't know what to do about it. To that end, Hiei goes to only three people, aside from Mukuro, he can trust: Kurama, Yusuke, and Yukina. In the "Bonds" Universe. Set after "Lord of Deathlocke." One-Shot.


**A/N: 09.15.2017  
**

 **Oh, wow! I've been working on this one forever! I finally got it done and I'm happy with the finished product! So, for those of you who read "Lord of Deathlocke" (and if you haven't, you should; it's excellent, if I do say so myself), you'll remember that Hiei and Mukuro entered a mutually beneficial understanding of the physical nature. Well, here's the thing with that: sometimes, when you bear your body and soul to someone, it gets much deeper than you intended.**

 **Hiei is figuring that out.**

 **Rated T for obvious reasons. This is Yu Yu Hakusho we're talking about.**

 **Oh, and for posterity's sake, let's establish the timeline of these stories, shall we?**

 **\- Battle of the Blades**

 **\- Lord of Deathlocke**

 **\- To Love One So Hurt (CURRENT STORY)**

 **All good? Great! ENJOY!**

* * *

 **To Love One So Hurt**

Peace time always left Hiei at a loss. He had found a much more passive way of life in recent years but the lack of anything, at all, to do let his mind wander. But, lately, his mind repeatedly went to a certain ally and former leader of his: Mukuro. All of the time he spent with Mukuro since the Deathlocke tournament had left him very distracted by her.

Distracted over a feeling he'd never had before.

Hiei couldn't and wouldn't admit it, out loud, but he couldn't deny it in his mind and his heart.

He had fallen in love with Mukuro.

And, despite himself, he was starting to like it. That was the most confusing part of all. And it was becoming a problem.

He needed perspective, he needed advice, and he needed help. Or a way to get rid of these feelings. Either way, he knew the answer wouldn't be found in the Demon World.

He went to the human realm, heading for Kurama's home. He arrived at the window to the apartment that led to Kurama's study and found it to be open. Hiei went inside and found Kurama sitting at his desk, reading.

"It took you five minutes longer to get here than it usually does," Kurama said before sipping his tea.

"Took my time," Hiei stood against the wall and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Maybe I enjoyed the walk."

"If you say so." Kurama set his book and cup down. "Are you hungry? Botan's making lunch."

"Not especially."

Kurama got up and headed for the door, "Come say 'hello' anyway."

Hiei rolled his eyes and followed Kurama as they went into the kitchen.

"Botan," Kurama said as they both rounded the corner to the kitchen. "Hiei's here."

"Oh, really?" Botan asked. She looked up and smiled at them. "It took him a little longer to get here than you said."

"Yes. He was enjoying the walk."

"Shut up, Kurama," Hiei said. He looked at the blue haired girl. "Hello, Botan."

"Hello," Botan waved. "Staying for lunch, Hiei?"

"No, thank you. I just came by to get out of Demon World for a while."

"Alright then. Good to see you."

"We'll be in the study," Kurama said to her. "I was just making him be sociable."

Botan giggled. "Kurama, you can be so rude sometimes. Forcing Hiei to do things he doesn't want to do."

"Botan, I knew there was a reason I liked you," Hiei smirked.

"You like me, Hiei? Yay!"

Hiei rolled his eyes. "For once, I talked too much."

"It's not the first time," Kurama said.

"Oh, shut up."

Kurama chuckled.

"I'll let you know when lunch is ready," Botan said to Kurama.

"Alright."

Hiei watched Kurama kiss Botan and became a little uncomfortable until, suddenly, the feeling for Mukuro came over him again. This was certainly something he wasn't used to.

"Good seeing you, Hiei," Botan waved at him.

Hiei gave her a polite nod. He and Kurama walked back to his study and Hiei walked to the window and stared out of it.

"Are you all right?" Kurama asked.

"Yes," Hiei answered. "Just… a strange feeling."

"Strange how?"

Hiei turned to Kurama. "I don't know." He looked at the door and motioned toward it, "Just now, when you and Botan…" he shook his head, "uh, anyway, I suddenly felt this yearning for… Mukuro."

Kurama stared at him silently then slowly started smile.

"I mean it felt so…" Hiei noticed Kurama's grin. "What are you smiling at?"

Kurama held his smile and sat down at his desk. "Nothing. I'm simply smiling at the fact that you're in love with Mukuro."

Hiei stared at him with wide eyes. Of course, it was true but Kurama had no right to know that, let alone point it out. "Do you know how close I came to killing you?"

"You could try. You'd fail."

Hiei gritted his teeth and, for no reason that he could rationally think of, he lied, "I do not love Mukuro."

"Now you're just lying to me because you can't admit it to yourself," Kurama said.

Hiei looked away from him. He hated when Kurama was right, which was often.

Kurama folded his arms and crossed his legs. "You say you don't love Mukuro. Prove it."

Hiei looked back at him, "How?"

"Tell me why you stay with her."

"It's convenient."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

"Truly?"

"Yes!"

"It's not because you rather enjoy being with her?" Kurama asked. "Clearly, you enjoy the physical intimacy of your relationship."

Hiei looked away, again, "Shut up, Kurama."

"I am merely trying to help," Kurama shrugged.

Hiei exhaled, taking some time to gather his thoughts. "I wish I could call you a liar. I wish I could. But… in reality, that's why I came here. There is… something strange happening with me."

"Your cold nature is melting further and further away. Ironic given your status as a dragon."

Hiei rolled his eyes.

"So, what's the problem with loving Mukuro?"

Hiei glared at Kurama.

"I'm serious," Kurama said.

"And I'm not?"

"Humor me."

Hiei wanted to fight it but resigned himself to answer. "She's not exactly one for roses and romantic gestures."

"And you're not exactly a 'chocolates and poetry' individual," Kurama pointed out. "And neither of you have killed each other yet so that shows that there is something more going with you two than just simple friendship. And the…" he faked clearing his throat, "… _benefits_ that you both have agreed to."

Hiei smirked, "Those are rather nice."

Kurama laughed.

Hiei blushed when he realized he said that aloud. "SHUT UP!" He turned his back to Kurama.

Kurama held his smirk for a while then sobered. "Hiei."

Hiei looked over his shoulder.

"You're my friend and you always will be. This is uncomfortable for you, I know that. It's probably uncomfortable for her, too. That is something that can help you both deal with this."

Hiei let that sink in then turned back around. "Are you saying that I should talk this out with her?"

"I made no such suggestion but you seem you want to."

"I suppose I do."

"That being said, I do think it's a good idea for you to talk to her." Kurama had one inquiry. "But why now, if you don't mind my asking."

"I don't mind anymore," Hiei admitted. "It really _is_ why I'm here. And… I don't know. Lately, Mukuro and I… have spent time even more time together and it's… been… nice. I don't know how to explain it. I don't think that I can."

"You don't have to. I understand."

"What should I do?" Hiei asked.

"All of your life, you've never asked anyone what to do," Kurama pointed out.

"Yes but this is something I never expected to happen to me."

"Hiei, it's your decision to make. But, in my honest opinion: yes, you should talk to her. But, perhaps, my council alone is not what you need."

Hiei sighed. "Perhaps. Thank you, Kurama."

"You're a brother to me, Hiei. I don't require any thanks to be your brother." Kurama smiled. "But it is appreciated all the same."

* * *

A couple of hours later, Yusuke was doing some work in his backyard. He was raking up some of the lawn trimmings, having just cut the grass, when he felt a shift in power and looked up into a nearby tree. "Alright, Hiei. What's up? Why didn't you just come knock on the door?"

"Those senses of yours are finally getting better," Hiei declared. "Took you long enough."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Hiei hopped down out of the tree, landing on his feet. He put his hands in his pockets and walked toward his team captain. "How are you, Yusuke?"

"Well, it's been two whole months since anything supernatural came after us, so… ya know. Doing good! You?"

Hiei exhaled. "I need your help with something."

"Is someone dying?"

"For once, no."

"That's a relief," Yusuke took off his yard gloves and sat down in a nearby chair. "So, what's going on, man?"

Hiei started to pace. "I… have a dilemma and I need your help sorting it all out."

"It must be serious. You never ask me for help."

"It's come to my attention that… I have… feelings for someone."

Yusuke blinked a few times. "Dude, are you in love?"

Hiei rolled his eyes and, again, lied, "I wouldn't put it that way."

"Yep. You're in love."

Hiei groaned.

"With Mukuro, right?" Yusuke asked.

Hiei roared, "DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS?!"

Yusuke looked around, unsure, before staring back at Hiei, "Uh, you live at her castle and you two are sleeping together. So, yeah, we know. Duh."

Hiei groaned.

"You're in love with Mukuro." Yusuke scratched the back of his head. "Damn. I owe Genkai 50 bucks."

"Genkai?"

"Yeah, she called this, like, the _day_ before Goto came and kidnapped us. I said she was nuts." Yusuke growled. "I hate it when that old bat's right."

Hiei rolled his eyes but just gave up. "I need your advice about this."

"And _now_ hell froze over."

"I'm serious."

"I was only kinda joking."

Hiei started to pace, "This isn't me, Yusuke. This isn't who I am."

"Having feelings?" Yusuke asked. "Being in love?"

"Yeah," Hiei whispered.

"You've always had emotions. Anger, rage, hatred."

"I miss those days, sometimes."

"I hear ya."

Hiei looked at Yusuke, crossly. "You were never as bad as me."

"No," Yusuke agreed, "but I wasn't too far away either."

Hiei shrugged, "Maybe that's one reason I respect you so much."

Yusuke smiled. "Think that's the first time you've ever said that. Out loud, anyway."

"It probably is."

Yusuke chuckled, "Maybe you are a-changin'."

Hiei groaned.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry."

"So, aren't you going to tell me anything?"

Yusuke put aside all of his sarcastic remarks, for the moment, and decided to be serious. "Hiei, do you really want to do this with Mukuro? I mean, I think it's a great idea and, hell, ya should've done it forever ago but is it what you want?"

Hiei took a minute to think about it. Part of him was screaming that it wasn't. But that part was in disagreement with the rest of him. He nodded, "Yes. It is."

"Then, do it," Yusuke said, matter-of-factly. "Talk to her. At worse, Mukuro can say you're crazy for feeling this way and you'll both move on. No harm done."

"I'm just… fearful that I don't want her answer to be negative."

Yusuke nodded, "Yeah, I get that. But, I gotta say the odds are in your favor."

"How?"

Yusuke shrugged, "She hasn't killed you in your sleep yet."

Hiei considered that. "That's actually a good point."

"And, being honest about stuff has worked out for you lately. I mean, it's not like things went south when you finally told Yukina you're…" Yusuke's eyes widened.

"What?"

"Oh, I'm stupid!"

"No argument from me."

Yusuke rose to his feet. "Go talk to Yukina!"

Hiei's eyes widened, in an instant, "What?! Why?!"

"She's your sister. That's when you feeling even remotely like a person first started. Talk to her. I'm sure she'll give you great advice."

"Oh, what advice could she possibly give me?!"

Yusuke stared at him for a while. "For starters? She's probably the only person out of all of us who hasn't felt the need to beat the living crap out of you at some point."

"That…" Hiei thought about it. "…is more than likely true."

"And, as close as you two are now, she probably knows you best. Even better than me or Kurama."

Hiei jerked his head back, "How'd you…"

"Hiei. You came to see me about this? I'd either be your second or third visit. Kurama is easily the first."

Hiei chuckled. "I guess you do know me better than I thought."

"I'm smart when I feel like it," Yusuke smiled.

* * *

That night, Hiei went at Kuwabara and Yukina's home. He sat with his sister in the living room, in front of her fireplace. Kuwabara was in another room, leaving the siblings to talk alone. Hiei recounted all he had said to Kurama and Yusuke to Yukina while she listened at rapt attention.

At the end of his account, Yukina stared at him. "So, Yusuke told you to come see me?"

"He seems to think that you know me best," Hiei replied. "On an emotional level, at least."

She smiled. "Working on it."

Hiei chuckled, softly.

"So, you're in love with Mukuro."

"I suppose that I am."

Yukina stared at him and noticed that he seemed to be ashamed. "It's not wrong, brother," she said. "Love is a wonderful thing."

Hiei leaned forward and rubbed his face. "It's not something I know about. Or that I'm even supposed to know and understand."

Yukina shrugged, "You love me, don't you?"

Hiei shot his eyes over to her. "That's different, entirely! You're my sister. It's my job to watch over you."

"Is that the only reason you do it?"

Hiei paused. "Well… uh… no. No, I… I guess not."

"You don't watch over me or love me because of an obligation. You love me because you have a kind heart."

"Where I got that, I don't know."

Yukina giggled. "It's always been there. Anger and violence just… overtook it."

"And when did those things pass away? I still fight."

"Yes, but you're not a criminal anymore. You are a kind soul but not a gentle one and that's fine. Your fire, if you don't mind the pun, just burns for other things."

"I'd hardly say kind," Hiei replied.

"You rescued me and Kazuma and the others from Goto," Yukina reminded. "You fought for Botan in the Tournament. Even before then, Kazuma and Kurama told me how angry you became when Sensui killed Yusuke. But if the word 'kind' bothers you, then try 'dedicated.' Dedicated to your friends, your family, and the people who matter. Mukuro, lately, is really high on that list." She smiled brighter. "Maybe she's even at the top of it."

"But it's not that simple."

"How so?"

Hiei exhaled. "It's what I'm not telling everyone else."

"Then tell me. Please."

Hiei looked gazed at the fire, finding solace in doing so. "It's Mukuro, herself. She's… been hurt. In ways, that I hope you never come to understand. It makes it hard for her to trust. I don't blame her for that, I truly don't. Honestly, I don't think she even cares for things like…" He groaned, "like love. God, I hate saying that word."

Yukina giggled, briefly.

"But… even more so… I know that just my feelings for her alone won't take away that pain. They can't. Nothing ever will."

"Then just love her anyway. Show her that it doesn't matter."

"But what good will any of this be if I do nothing for her?"

"You don't know that you won't do anything for her. Her pain may always be there but that doesn't mean that you loving her won't give her some relief."

Hiei shook his head, "Maybe this is just crazy. It's not like she'll want to do things that normal couples do."

Yukina smiled, brighter, "Wow. You really do love her, don't you?"

Hiei let out a defeated moan. "It would seem." He stared at the fire. "Maybe I'm much different than I've been."

"Looks that way these days," Kuwabara said.

The siblings looked to see Kuwabara standing against the wall with his hands in his pockets.

"Oh, hi, Kazuma," Yukina said. "I thought you were still reading."

"I was," Kuwabara walked into the room and sat down in one of the easy chairs. "I was walking by, heard what you guys were talking about, and got curious."

"Come to insult me?" Hiei asked with edge in his voice.

"As easy as that would be and as much as you deserve it, no," Kuwabara answered.

"Really? If the situation were reversed, I doubt I'd have any mercy."

"Situation was reversed, once, Hiei. And you didn't."

"So, what?" Hiei asked. "Do you have some insight to add to this?"

"I have a little, yeah," Kuwabara answered.

"Good. Keep it to yourself."

"Hiei," Yukina said, exasperatedly.

Kuwabara folded his arms. "Look, you're in my house, so I'm gonna give you advice whether you ask for it or not, so, listen."

Hiei wanted to retort but saw the look in Yukina's eyes. He relented with a grunt, "Fine."

"You and Mukuro ain't the go out on the town in your evening dress types," Kuwabara said. "So what? What you two do isn't anybody else's business but yours. You guys want this? Then do it. If you both don't want to hold hands in public, then don't hold hands in public. If you're comfortable being intimate through sparring matches, then fight it out every chance you get. We've insulted each other back and forth for years, Hiei. It doesn't change who I am and sure hasn't changed who you are. Neither should this. How you love her ain't none of our business either. Maybe you don't take her pain away, maybe you do. That's not really the point. The point is you care about her no matter what. If she wants this and wants to be with you, you work on everything else after that. And ya take it one day a time. It's how love works. It's how _life_ works."

Hiei stared at him, blankly. "I can't believe it. _Everything_ you said just made sense."

"I'm actually pretty smart. Talk to Mukuro. You guys decide how this goes forward. We'll respect the both of you, either way." Kuwabara chuckled, "We'll tease you to no end if you both declare mutual love but we'll respect you."

Yukina smiled. "I couldn't say it any better myself."

Hiei shook his head. "This used to be such an easy life."

"Change happens, man," Kuwabara pointed out.

"I'm starting to see that." Hiei growled, lowly, and threw his back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. "Why can't it all be as easy as it used to be?"

"It will if you move out of Mukuro's castle and go back to being a criminal."

"That might be easier."

"Then we'd have to hunt you down."

"That would _still_ be easier than this is, right now." Hiei sighed and sat up straight. "Thank you, Yukina."

"You're welcome, Hiei," Yukina replied. "Anytime."

Hiei stood up. "And… that wasn't the worst advice I've ever received, Kuwabara."

Kuwabara chuckled and gave him a thumbs-up.

Hiei turned to leave.

"I know you didn't ask me," Kuwabara said, "but good luck, Hiei."

Hiei glanced over his shoulder, gave a quick nod, and left.

* * *

Hiei walked into Mukuro's castle, actually feeling nervous despite maintaining his calm exterior. He still hadn't fully planned out what he was going to say but he did want to get this over with for his own sanity's sake.

With the small hope that this wouldn't blow up in his face.

As he expected, Hiei found Mukuro standing on the balcony, staring out over the land.

Hiei took a deep breath and approached her, "I've returned."

Mukuro looked over her shoulder at him, "Welcome back. Was your trip successful?"

He looked at her, confused, stopping at the balcony's edge to stand next to her. "'Successful'?"

"Well, clearly, something has been on your mind the past few days. You hardly even talk anymore. And I mean, even less than usual."

"You noticed that?"

"Of course. If you weren't talking about it, I imagined it was none of my business. But, per usual, if you had an issue you would go to speak with Kurama, perhaps even Yusuke."

"Well, include Yukina on that list now."

"Really?" Mukuro smiled. "Interesting."

"Interesting how?" Hiei asked.

"You hated the idea of ever telling her that you're her brother and now you're going to speak with her about personal issues? Quite the turnaround."

"You're one to talk."

She chuckled. "Perhaps, I am."

He took one more deep breath and decided to go for it. "If you don't mind, I'd like to discuss that issue with you now."

She looked at him, "Oh?"

Hiei nodded.

Mukuro leaned against the railing. "This _is_ different. Certainly. What do you wish to speak on?"

This was it. It was all or nothing time.

"I've been… distracted," Hiei admitted.

"Due to?" Mukuro asked.

"You."

It took a second for what Hiei just said to register. Once it did, Mukuro stood straighter.

"Us." Hiei looked around, "This… whatever you wish to call it between us."

Mukuro looked around, awkwardly. "Just… our physical nature?"

"That. And… other things." Hiei looked down then back at her, "Such as… how I care… for you."

Mukuro opened her mouth to respond but couldn't speak right away. She looked off as a red tint came to her face.

Hiei prepared for her rejection. He knew that Mukuro wasn't stupid. He knew that she knew what he was talking. He couldn't conceive how he thought this was ever going to be a good idea. And, as much as he wanted to, he had no one to blame but himself.

She exhaled. "Hiei. I'm not…"

He closed his eyes, ready for the worst.

"…not sure you know what that would mean for you."

There was a response Hiei didn't expect. He opened his eyes and looked at her. "What do you mean?"

Then, Hiei heard something he never thought he'd hear: Mukuro's voice was shaken.

"You…" she said, "…care about me. I've known that for a while but… you can't… go any further than that."

"Why?" he asked, almost desperately. He expected staunch rejection. He didn't expect her to waver.

"Because…" she strengthened her voice all she could, bringing her voice back to its usual timbre. "Because… not only do I know absolutely nothing about… love. Even if I did… I wouldn't be capable of showing it. Not… in a way that would be acceptable, anyway."

"Who would ask you to?"

"But your friends…" She thought about that statement. "… _our_ allies… they would probably expect us to be… like them."

"That's their problem. Not ours." He thought back to what Kuwabara said. "And… they may not be as… pressing on that as you might think."

"Regardless, love, affection," Mukuro said. "You know that's not who we are."

"I know." Hiei muttered, "Look who you're talking to."

"Just… why, Hiei? You and I are not the people who are supposed to get the happy ending. The chances of us dying an extremely violent death are rather high."

"I'm not denying that. And I'm not saying that everything you're saying doesn't make any sense." He paused. "Just, as painful as our lives are, as they will always probably be… the pain doesn't seem quite so bad when we're around each other. It hasn't been for a while. For me, at least."

Mukuro turned her back to him.

Hiei exhaled and looked away. He knew this was a long shot but, somehow, it felt worth it.

"There…" she began, "is truth in that. My pain… has lessened, as well, in recent years… because of you."

He looked at her in surprise.

She placed her hands on the banister. "You… you actually have me worried about you sometimes. I actually grow concerned about you." She turned to him. "What have you done to me? I actually feel something for you. And it's not hatred."

Hiei smirked. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Damn you, Hiei." She walked up and kissed him.

He kissed her back.

It was actually passionate. They found themselves enjoying it, even getting lost in the feeling of it. They broke the kiss and stared at each other, realizing what they had just done.

"You know this isn't the first time this has happened," Hiei reminded.

"Those times were just for pleasure, no emotion attached," Mukuro declared. "This… is both. And damn you for it."

"I can accept that."

"Yusuke and the others will never let us live this down, will they?"

"Never."

"Damn it," Mukuro grunted. "You better be worth this."

"I could say the same to you," Hiei said.

"Just… don't expect me to change."

"I don't. I'm not trying to change you. I… I just… want to be at your side."

"Funny. Now that I hear it out loud… that's what I want, too."

He chuckled.

"But if we do this… I need your word, Hiei."

"About what?"

"You can't try to change me," Mukuro said.

"I'd fail anyway," Hiei said.

"My point… is that my pain will always be there. It… isn't as great but it will remain where it always has been. There is no magic that will rid me of it and I need it there. It's made me strong, it's given me clarity."

"You think I don't know that?"

"I need it to be clear."

"It is. It always has been."

"Very well." She grabbed his cloak, pulled him close, and pressed her lips to his again.

 _ **Hours later.**_

Mukuro awoke in her bed and looked over at Hiei. This truly was much different than it had ever been before. They didn't just sleep together; it actually felt like they made love. She could feel it in her heart and soul. She actually did care for him. Perhaps it was love.

And it terrified her.

She also wondered if it was real. Or if it was just what she wanted.

She reached under her pillow, under her mattress, and removed the dagger concealed there. Unsheathing the knife, she climbed over Hiei and straddled him, holding the knife to his throat.

"I told you I'd know if you tried this," Hiei said, his eyes still closed.

"I know," Mukuro replied.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Is this the price for my love for you?"

Her breath caught in her chest when he heard her say that. But she managed to reply, "It is."

He stared at her. "Then do it. I regret nothing."

"Very well. I shall." She leaned forward and kissed him. She moved the knife away then tossed it out of the window.

After the kiss, he stared at her. "Are you sure? You may regret that."

"I won't. I never will. Because… more than anything else… I trust you, Hiei."

He stared at her. "I trust you, as well."

* * *

 **A/N: Did you guys like it? I hope you did! I really enjoyed it! Leave me some comments and hit those Favorite and Follow buttons!**

 **So, I'm not done with YYH just yet. I'm working on a new story and within this same universe and timeline I've created. As of today, I'm calling this little universe the "Bonds" universe. I think it's a good way to describe how Hiei has evolved with his relationships with everyone and Botan and Kurama, too. I'm going to edit the intros to the other stories to reflect that as well.  
**

 **Thanks for reading, everyone! I really appreciate it! Have a great one!**


End file.
